Making space for a change...one couch at a time

Where home is concerned, the tide is turning.

Worldwide, and even in these doggedly individualistic and territorial United States, people are surfing. "Couch surfing", that is. CouchSurfing is a worldwide network for making connections between travelers and the local communities they visit. A quote from the website says it best:

"We make the world a better place by opening our homes, our hearts, and our lives. We open our minds and welcome the knowledge that cultural exchange makes available. We create deep and meaningful connections that cross oceans, continents and cultures. CouchSurfing wants to change not only the way we travel,

but how we relate to the world!"

And I thought I was idealistic! I have found my people. This is a concept that makes complete sense to anyone who has ventured outside the cultural comfort zone and been immersed in the intimacy of visiting as more than a tourist. I have been privileged to be received as a teacher and professional exchange participant in Mongolia and Israel, respectively. The experiences transformed me, and my worldview, beyond what any guided 2 week/7 city tour would ever allow. And the couchsurfing trend is apparently working: last week alone 8,591 new couches opened up for like-minded travelers and cultural connectors.

The thing that interests me about this most today is the concept of sharing our space as one of our most precious resources. As economic hardship tightens its grip, and the prevalence of isolation becomes one of contemporary society's most insidious ills, making space on the couch or in the guest room makes good sense. For Americans in particular, the idea can be a foreign or downright threatening one. We hold tightly to the autonomy and the independence afforded by our own square acre. And there's no doubt that living with others can be a pain, there are risks, and the potential for conflicts and inconvenience.

In the past 15 months I have traveled in a pilgrimage that has taken me into the homes, guest rooms and even couches of 12 different households. Some were rented, others traded for, many others offered gratis. This nomadic existence was not the original intention of my journey, nor would I have ever signed myself (or you!) up for it in advance. Circumstances of sometimes seemingly Biblical proportions--floods, for instance--kept disrupting my best laid plans for putting down roots.

This time of mobility has stretched me in my capacity for flexibility and faith. It certainly lightened my load quite a bit--now I think twice before adding anything to my inventory of stuff! But mostly it has engendered a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation for the sacred art of hospitality.

The word hospitality derives from the Latin hospes, formed from hostis, which originally meant a 'stranger' + pets, to have power; the word hostire means equalize or compensate. In the Greek tradition, sacred hospitality is about compensating/equalizing a stranger to the host, making him feel protected and taken care of, and at the end of his hosting, guiding him to his next destination. This sense of caring for each other, and in turn accepting that care, punches a huge whole in the fierce self-reliance on which we generally rely.

In our current economic climate, when capital is scarce, we might benefit from sharing a resource that's right under our noses...our homes. It's true, and admittedly dismaying, that Americans are such conspicuous consumers, especially in the area of homebuilding. Industrial ecologists report single-family homes in the 1950's were built with an average of 290 square feet of living space per resident; in 2003, a family moving into a typical new house had almost 900 square feet per person. The new-home footprint increases each year, while families enjoy their rambling domiciles less and less as they work two 60-hour/week incomes to meet the mortgage.

It will probably take a huge shift in consciousness (nudged by the huge pinch we're experiencing now) to get us to change our ways. This week's story about a Florida congressman's family offering their spare home to a homeless family provides a great example of not letting our glut of space go to waste. You don't even have to offer it for free...lots of folks could benefit right now from some extra income. Progressive programs such as Housemate Match in Atlanta have been linking renters and older adult homeowners with extra room since 1984 (check out their great video).

Closer quarters may be a challenge for most of us. And they also may be a crucial step to facing into our mutual responsibility to care for the planet and each other. Surf's Up! What other ideas do you know about? ...I'd love to hear.

Talking is so out of vogue

Ok folks, I have yet to use this blog for a rant but here it is. Admittedly that's not the default of my temperament. As the moniker for this space implies, I value communication that goes both ways, and talk radio style blathering (which usually comes in the form of yelling) isn't my speed, even in writing. There are only a few things that can really propel me post haste onto a soap box. One of them is leaf blowers...don't get me started. The other is email.

It's not that I don't use it, or value it, for making connections, staying updated, coordinating plans and relaying information. Especially in business...it's efficient. It keeps things moving and speeds things up (not always a good thing), etc, etc. It's eco friendly, it's in writing. There are lots of benefits, and Microsoft would be glad to give us a white paper on them. Go ahead, google it!

It also goes without saying (but in a rant you get to say it anyway) that the notorious downside of email is the lack of social cues that you have when you communicate in person or over the phone. We're mammals--social, relational creatures--and those subtle intonations, expressions and body language shape the impact and meaning of what we say. In their amazing book A General Theory of Love, three psychiatrists explore the neurobiology of this connection and make the case that our very survivial depends on it. So all that goes out the window and we're left hanging in the breeze to interpret the words without the limbic phrase book.

But I digress. This is actually not the focus of today's rant. Today I am taking to task the cowardly cover that email gives people to not deal with each other like human adults when conflict arises. What is up with this? In the past week I have heard from at least two friends in business and another in a romantic pairing where conflict is occurring and misunderstandings are happening and everybody is trying to solve these relational issues with a form of communication that is for all intensive purposes just about as effective as a telegraph. Next thing you know we will be texting each other our break up letters...OMG UR DUN. Of course, even as I write this I realize this probably does happen with regularity and I have just shown myself to be oh-so 20th century.

Yes, it's easier to just shoot off an email instead of actually having to listen, reflect, deal with people's feelings (or our own). But you know, we're an evolving species. We can handle it. Strengthen that human courage gene in the greater scheme of things. By just using a little old-fashioned talking to each other. Pick up the phone. Lord knows everyone seems to have one. Better yet, meet at your favorite locally owned coffee shop. Chat a bit, discuss, straighten it out. You need to get out of the office for minute anyway. Still too scary? Get some skills! And guess what, you may find that in the end, things end up being more productive and satisfying to boot.

Agree? Disagree? I'd love to hear about it. Call me!!!